Uh-oh. Up until then, I had practiced that excellent parenting strategy of avoidance.  ‘When a mom and dad love each other, God gives them a baby’ I had explained.  My reasoning took sex off of our humanly plates and placed it into the realm of divine intervention.  So would Jennifer now have to call God?

“We will talk about it later.” I whispered to my daughter, wondering if we needed to jettison ourselves from the crowded movie theater before any more fastballs were thrown my way.

My grandmother thought babies were conceived when you kissed a boy. After her first kiss at 16, she flew into a complete panic that a baby was soon to arrive. My girlfriend thought babies came from China (which rhymes with…). My own mom sat me down for a briefing that put me off everything, including kissing. Surely I could figure out a more solid strategy for some modern day sex education.

After eating some brain food, a.k.a. chocolate covered espresso beans, I decided to consult my girlfriends with teenagers. Huddles in the park and late night conversations finally brought me to the book, “It’s So Amazing! A Books about Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies and Families.” Filled with friendly pictures of cute eggs and spunky sperm, I bought two copies along with The American Girl Book. “The Care & Keeping of You: The Body Book for Girls.”

On a hot afternoon, I sat down with my girls and went through the basics, using the books as visual aids. It felt like a read-thru of “Robinson Caruso” as we paged through “Meet the Bird and the Bee” and “The Amazing Egg Trip.” That is until we got to the chapter, “What’s Sex?”

“Gross!” exclaimed my eight year old.

“Cool,” my seven year old disagreed. “How do I have twins?’ For the past couple of years, my youngest has stated she wants to have two sets of twins.

“Identical or Fraternal?” I asked, as we jumped to the back of the book and went over the difference between one egg splitting and two eggs fertilizing at the same time.

The conversation went well. My closing statement of ‘This is something a mommy and daddy do when they love each other and want to have a baby’ obviously didn’t cover the whole story but it was all I could handle at the time.

No problem. That is until we went grocery shopping and saw the tabloids at the checkout stand. “Look, Mom, it says, ‘Jen is pregnant with John Mayer’s Child.’

“Who’s John Mayer? Is that her husband?”

“No, it is her boyfriend. Or was.” 

“Are they married?”

Grrr. I had certainly gotten myself into a pickle by not explaining the whole story. And, of course, the questions kept coming after we saw my friend Alex who has a baby with a lesbian couple.

“How did Alex have a baby with two mommies?” “Why doesn’t he live with them?”

I decided it was time to do the full Monty and break it down into choices, lifestyles and babies without a mommy and a daddy. I am not sure they understood everything but at least it was out there on the table, open for discussion.

As for my girlfriend Jen, I hope she will have her own amazing egg trip and get married soon, if she so desires. I want her to know, as we in the mom club already do, that the benefits of babies go way beyond the making.

This essay was recently featured in the Spring Issue of Coast Kids magazine.



“We need to make our own cards,” I told my girls, after we read every card in the aisles at Target.

“No, Mommy. We always have to make our own cards.”

“Yeah, this one with Sponge Bob picking his nose is funny.”

I caved and spent more than my monthly chocolate budget on a stack of cards, with an overpriced singing one for my husband. Still feeling grumpy about the whole thing, I shoved the bag under my desk and checked my email.

Fortunately, there was an invite to a surprise party for my friend, Katherine Fugate, who wrote the movie “Valentine’s Day.” No relation, although we do look alike. We are both blonde, fair-skinned mommies with size 0 waists. Well not really that small, but it never hurts to put it out there.

Pretending to be an adult for one evening, I kidnapped my bus stop girlfriend, slapped on some make-up and headed up to Hollywood for an evening celebration. Did you know that there are people who actually put on high heels and go out to dinner alone on a Sunday night? I frankly felt in shock not to have someone whining for the kid’s menu or fighting over the seat next to Mommy.

The party room was filled with fabulous pink cupcakes, large and small.  Not much can be wrong in the world when I am surrounded by frosting and chocolate cake. Katherine was completely stunned. Nothing like realizing your quiet dinner has become a party of fifty.

In the movie “Valentine’s Day,” Jessica Biel’s character throws a party for her girlfriends every year at an Indian restaurant. They come together and celebrate their lives, in love or not. As I sat with Katherine and friends, my hard shell cracked as a mushy feeling of love for my girlfriends filled my heart. I don’t know where I would be without them, but it would probably be somewhere with white strait jackets and little plastic cups of pills doled out twice a day.

In between my fifth and sixth cupcake, I asked Katherine if she actually likes Valentine’s Day. “Of course,” she said. “I still believe in love.”

I do, too. I did take back all those cards though. My girlfriend Gillian took a picture of us and made an adorable card. No fart jokes or cartoon character--just a “Made in USA” old chick and her lovely little chickadees.



Dear Santa,

I know you are wondering why I am writing to you. It’s just that my holiday candle is already burnt out and could use some magic. As for the question of whether I’ve been naughty or nice, I would have to say ‘nice.’ True, the year has been filled with transgressions. I did lie to a stranger about my age, but that was after my seven year old asked me, “Did they have grocery store carts in the olden days?” There is no shame in being thirty-four, yet again. As for taking things that are not mine, I put on five pounds or so from a necessary vitamin (a.k.a chocolate). I am more than happy to give those pounds back and throw in a few more for goodwill.

As for being nice, I cooked my family over 540 nutritious meals. Okay, I cheated 50 times or so with Wahoo’s but sometimes that stove knob will not turn. Laundry was done on an adequate basis with the occasional dip into the dirty hamper. As for addressing those teaching moments and practicing patience, let it be said I did not yell when my Mad Men episode was erased for the latest Wow Wow Wubbzy show. Nor did I bust a gut when my favorite coffee mug, that had magical awakening properties, was broken in two.

Frankly, Santa, I would rather give than receive. Not because I am some altruistic person, but because if we get stuff, I have to find a place for it to live. How many places can I stash a doll baby stroller and skateboard helmets? There are, however, a few random things I could use if you and Mrs. Claus happened to have a surplus of some holiday magic:

#1, Opaque Slip. This Halloween, I had no idea my groovy disco dress was see-through. Not until I saw the pictures taken with a flash. Hello, Spanxx! There was one leg rolled up (think I did that during the crab dance), another leg rolled down. Various patches of color revealed way too much about my anatomy. Complete horrified, I remembered the professional photographer took my picture. A lot. I thought it was my fabulous dance moves and fashionista outfit, while in fact; it was a cry for an opaque slip. If you wouldn’t mind also just grabbing those negatives from the photographer’s house while you are visiting his kids, I would be truly appreciative.

#2, Pantry Systems Operator. I must confess, Santa, that my kitchen pantry and cupboards are an absolute mess. When I complained to a friend, she said, “You need to find a system that works and stick to it.” System? That night, I moved everything around into some kind of categorical organization that hopefully resembled a system. Yet two days later, food boxes and containers had exploded into complete chaos. I was wondering if you could be so kind to loan me one of your elves, during the off-season, to keep my second office (a.k.a. the kitchen) at a functional level?  If he also liked to do laundry, I wouldn’t complain.

Item #3, Temporal Lobe Rejuvenation. I am in desperate need of a better memory. Obviously, brain surgery is not your forte, but you have the ability to remember long lists of requests from children around the world. Is there some way to give my temporal lobes a spa day so that they can awaken and start doing their job of remembering to pick up my daughter from dance and buy rice milk at the grocery store? It’s not like I am asking for a world peace or a clean mini-van, just the ability to retain a thought and not embarrass myself with a daily memory faux pas.

But then again, perhaps, you gave me memory loss last Christmas which is why I can’t remember my age. Or where things belong in the cupboards. I don’t know, Santa, it is so confusing being a mom in the modern world that I am not sure what I need anymore. Let’s just stick with my request for a good slip. And eradication of that little lice bug wouldn’t hurt either.

Warm hugs and hot toddies to you and Mrs. Claus,

Christine

Here is my BFF Thelma's review which verifies my intuition:

http://www.ivillage.com/blind-side-salute-do-right-woman/1-c-66940

Check it out!

So, feel free to take all the pictures you want of your kids, just don’t take them to a store for processing. Wal-mart has an ‘unsuitable print policy’ that allows them to police your photos. I am sure most photo processing places have similar policies. Honestly though, do you want other people and possible weirdoes checking out your family photos? If you want to do the cute baby in the bath pictures, invest in a photo printer. In the long run, it’s cheaper and worth the peace of mind.
 

What do you do when you can't stand your kid's (spoiled and icky) best friend, although you do like his parents?

Eloise P.
Los Alamitos, CA

What does one do when they don't like either the parents or the spoiled kid?

Mom of Four
Laguna Beach, CA

What do you do when you have the spoiled kid and nobody likes the kid or you?

Thelma Adams
Hyde Park, NY

Dear Eloise, Mom of Four, and Thelma,

Wow! Like Rodney King said, “Can we all get along?” But, no we can’t because there are spoiled kids who boss your kid around and obnoxious parents who encourage them to do so. As for Eloise’s dislike of her daughter’s best friend, try to organize play dates at your house so you can put the kibosh on the friend’s bad behavior. According to Lisa Gaché at Beverly Hills Manners, “It is perfectly okay to discipline other children when they are under your watch and under your roof.” If your kids are older, offer to drive them places so you can see exactly what behaviors you don’t like. Then talk to your daughter in detail about what’s acceptable behavior.

Since Eloise likes the parents, perhaps make a light comment to the parents about their daughter’s bad behavior. You could piss off the parents, which may not be such a bad thing, especially if you are Mom of Four who doesn’t like the kid or the parents.

Mom of Four, perhaps it’s best to nip that friendship in the bud and encourage your daughter to make new friends. You could take a cue from Thelma and her dilemma of being the un-likables. Why not invite the spoiled child and parents over for a barbeque? Cook up a tuna casserole, put on your day old clothes and tell bad jokes. Who knows? The family might suddenly become incredibly busy. If that doesn’t work for you, I would reduce contact to school only events.

As for Thelma’s predicament, being the family no one likes can have its advantages. Your social schedule is simple, allowing for more family time. It might be a good idea though to enroll in an etiquette courses or find a new set of friends who are more in synch with you and your family.

Navigating the parental social scene can be extremely stressful. If words aren’t getting the job done, get out the camera and take a few pictures. There’s nothing like a photo to convey a thousand words or so. Just don’t get it developed at Wal-mart and risk losing more than your friends.
 

Why 'Amelia' Can Make Kids Brave

Pirate Booty and Caviar

Seeing 'Whip It' From a Mom's Perspective

And I am so envious that she got to meet the director of Motherhood. I can't wait to see that movie on October 23rd!