Parent Talk

“You listen to too many parenting experts,” my husband said, exasperated with my latest insights from the latest expert I had heard speak about how to be a better parent and raise a happier child. I understand that one can get too much advice from people who have never been in your home or met your kids, but this parenting thing is not always easy for me.

“You didn’t turn out so bad,” my Mom says, when I tell her I am parenting differently because they were too strict and distant at times. My first few years of motherhood, I indulged my babies, until I realized that was a fast road to Tantrum City. Thus, began the quest for my middle ground.

I am obviously not alone. The lectures I have attended are packed with moms hungry for new information. Since the holidays are here, I decided to review my notes of two recent lectures to see if there was any wisdom for holiday survival.

Mary Pipher, the author of Reviving Ophelia and Sheltering our Families, is a therapist in Lincoln, Nebraska and feels strongly about the loss of community and isolation. Television, Internet and texting have replaced our children’s interaction with our neighbors.

“We would never invite a guest speaker into our house if they spoke to our children like TV does,” Mary said, emphasizing that, whether we like it or not, the new definition of family includes appliances and machines. There is always the option of becoming a Luddite, a person who refutes technology, which frankly sounds good to me right now. No computer or television, just a good book and the sound of my children playing with their wooden dolls. Yeah right! I crossed the Ipod and cell phone off my daughter’s wish list of presents.

I recently heard Wendy Mogel, author of Blessings of a Skinned Knee, speak at the PTA Coffee Break series. Wendy emphasized that our children need to experience ‘ordinary unhappiness’ in order to be happy and develop a sense of independence. Camp counselors, she shared, can always tell which kids will be homesick and miserable-the ones whose mothers packed for them. No problem here, I fully advocate my kids packing their own suitcases. I even plan to have my children packing for me soon—perhaps then I will actually have underwear to wear on trips. I added small agendas and to-do pads to my present list.

Still fixated on the importance talking, I liked what Wendy said about after-school chats. When the kids come home from school, share something wonderful that happened in your day, instead of extracting information from them. And be careful what questions you ask. By focusing on the troubles on the playground or the aching tummy, we are teaching our children that what interests up most is their pain. This one got me. When I get the response, ‘nothing happened at school’ I gravitate to the problems: ‘How is your boo-boo doing? Was so-and-so nice to you on the playground?’ I know one thing for sure-I do not want to teach my children to complain. That would basically negate the most important sign in my house that says, ‘No whining.’

Neither Wendy nor Mary gave any hot tips on how to survive the holiday and its mass consumption of sugar and plastic toys from China. I am sure they would encourage us to say ‘no’ when necessary, unplug from the TV, computer, and Blackberry, and spend more time talking to each other.

I have a feeling that my husband is not going to like my latest insight, especially if the Jets keep winning at football. There will probably be some ordinary unhappiness, lots of complaining and plenty of reasons to talk.