A Note to the Man in the Red Hat

Dear Santa,

Dear Santa,

I know you are wondering why I am writing to you. It’s just that my holiday candle is already burnt out and could use some magic. As for the question of whether I’ve been naughty or nice, I would have to say ‘nice.’ True, the year has been filled with transgressions. I did lie to a stranger about my age, but that was after my seven year old asked me, “Did they have grocery store carts in the olden days?” There is no shame in being thirty-four, yet again. As for taking things that are not mine, I put on five pounds or so from a necessary vitamin (a.k.a chocolate). I am more than happy to give those pounds back and throw in a few more for goodwill.

As for being nice, I cooked my family over 540 nutritious meals. Okay, I cheated 50 times or so with Wahoo’s but sometimes that stove knob will not turn. Laundry was done on an adequate basis with the occasional dip into the dirty hamper. As for addressing those teaching moments and practicing patience, let it be said I did not yell when my Mad Men episode was erased for the latest Wow Wow Wubbzy show. Nor did I bust a gut when my favorite coffee mug, that had magical awakening properties, was broken in two.

Frankly, Santa, I would rather give than receive. Not because I am some altruistic person, but because if we get stuff, I have to find a place for it to live. How many places can I stash a doll baby stroller and skateboard helmets? There are, however, a few random things I could use if you and Mrs. Claus happened to have a surplus of some holiday magic:

#1, Opaque Slip. This Halloween, I had no idea my groovy disco dress was see-through. Not until I saw the pictures taken with a flash. Hello, Spanxx! There was one leg rolled up (think I did that during the crab dance), another leg rolled down. Various patches of color revealed way too much about my anatomy. Complete horrified, I remembered the professional photographer took my picture. A lot. I thought it was my fabulous dance moves and fashionista outfit, while in fact; it was a cry for an opaque slip. If you wouldn’t mind also just grabbing those negatives from the photographer’s house while you are visiting his kids, I would be truly appreciative.

#2, Pantry Systems Operator. I must confess, Santa, that my kitchen pantry and cupboards are an absolute mess. When I complained to a friend, she said, “You need to find a system that works and stick to it.” System? That night, I moved everything around into some kind of categorical organization that hopefully resembled a system. Yet two days later, food boxes and containers had exploded into complete chaos. I was wondering if you could be so kind to loan me one of your elves, during the off-season, to keep my second office (a.k.a. the kitchen) at a functional level?  If he also liked to do laundry, I wouldn’t complain.

Item #3, Temporal Lobe Rejuvenation. I am in desperate need of a better memory. Obviously, brain surgery is not your forte, but you have the ability to remember long lists of requests from children around the world. Is there some way to give my temporal lobes a spa day so that they can awaken and start doing their job of remembering to pick up my daughter from dance and buy rice milk at the grocery store? It’s not like I am asking for a world peace or a clean mini-van, just the ability to retain a thought and not embarrass myself with a daily memory faux pas.

But then again, perhaps, you gave me memory loss last Christmas which is why I can’t remember my age. Or where things belong in the cupboards. I don’t know, Santa, it is so confusing being a mom in the modern world that I am not sure what I need anymore. Let’s just stick with my request for a good slip. And eradication of that little lice bug wouldn’t hurt either.

Warm hugs and hot toddies to you and Mrs. Claus,

Christine