Mrs. Fugate or Ms. Christine? The Etiquette Quandary

My mother was strict about etiquette. Table manners were of the utmost importance as were please, thank you and you’re welcome. Close friends of my parents were called by their first names; everyone else was Mr. or Mrs. [Last name]. When my first daughter was in utero, I knew I would follow many of the rules my mom did, having experienced adults who--how do I politely say--did not have the same etiquette training.

My only outstanding issue was what my kids would call other adults. I had a problem with the Mr. and Mrs. [last name] rule: I can’t remember people’s last names. Ever since I was a young adult, I have had last name blockage. Perhaps my brain is rebelling against authority figures, but it has continued in my own reign as an authority figure. (Before I belabor this point, let’s just recognize that these days I can barely remember anybody’s first name either.)

I decided to follow the protocol of my daughters’ Montessori school and have my kids address adults as Mr. or Miss [First Name]. This rule worked well and felt slightly Southern to me, although when my kids were three and four they usually addressed adults as So and So’s mommy or daddy.

Now that my kids are five and six, they are not only talking, they are full conversationalists who need proper introductions to adults. Thus the recent etiquette faux pas that sent me into a quandary: I was at the pool and met a cool new mom. I introduced her to my daughters as Ms. Melissa and she introduced me to her kids as Mrs. Fugate. I flushed with embarrassment. She was teaching her daughter formality, while I was teaching familiarity. Was her way more respectful? Had I failed as a mom to teach the proper manner in which to address adults?

I ran into a girlfriend at a birthday party and asked about her rules of introduction. “I usually do Ms. [First Name]. Although sometimes I try to follow the other mom’s cue,” she confessed.

 “But then you have to wait for the other mom to ask first,” I responded, imagining a Seinfeld-esque situation where neither mom speaks, waiting for the other one to do introductions. “It becomes a chicken-egg situation, which one comes first. You say Mrs., she says Ms., and then you correct to Mrs. It becomes pure etiquette pandemonium with your kids completely confused.” We burst out laughing.

There was only one thing to do about this situation and that was to contact my friends at the Emily Post Institute. I caught up with Peter Post, author of Essential Manners for Couples: From Snoring and Sex to Finances and Fighting Fair – What Works, What Doesn’t and Why, who enlightened me on this situation. “Typically, it’s easiest to defer to the formal until someone tells you to do differently.”

“So, I should introduce my children to adults as Mrs. or Mr. [Last Name]?”

“Yes, and if the adult wants to be called by their first name, then he can correct your introduction by saying, no, please call me Peter, not Mr. Post. It is always easier to go from formal to less formal. This also gives kids a way of approaching the world in general.”

Wow. I knew this was the right answer but what to do about my last name blockage. Peter proposed, “You can also say, ‘I would like to introduce you to my daughter, how would like for her to address you?” A perfect solution.

I had one last question, whether to use Mrs. or Ms.? “If she is married, use Mrs. If she is single, divorced or you are not sure what’s going on, use Ms.”

This was harder for me to swallow. Wasn’t Ms. the correct way of addressing all women these days, married or not? Peter stood his ground with Mrs. “Etiquette is about putting people at ease and building relationships.”

I had a few decisions to make. To change my ways to the more formal would require my brain to work a little harder. And how would I have other children address me? I called my mom for some advice.

“You need to decide what you’re comfortable with,” she shared. “Your kids’ lives are easier if they know how to behave. It’s all about ‘civilizing.’

I sat down and had some chocolate to help me think. From now on, I would follow Peter’s advice and introduce my children to adults as Mr. or Mrs. As for me, I can’t decide between Christine and Lady Godiva (the chocolate one). They’re both so familiar.

Comments

[Kari]

My son can't speak yet, so there are no introductions yet. I did like this approach. It is hard to make the proper transition now that we are the adults. I love the Posts, they have such solid advice in a world with little manners.

[Tatiana]

I prefer Mr and Ms./Mrs. Last Name. At 5 or 6, kids begin to learn their friends' last names (how else to tell the five Maxes in the class apart?) and it is much easier for them to call their pal's parents "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" than to try to remember each parent's first name. Of course, mothers who retain their maiden names may object, but it seems an undue burden on the kids to remember all this.

But I'm old-fashioned. I also object to teaching kids to high-five instead of to shake hands. I know they enjoy hitting the adult's hand with all their might, but shouldn't they learn a civilized handshake first?

Cheers!