Dear Readers,

Mothering Heights has switched formats for a bit of pre-summer fun. How much can I whine about motherhood? Well, a lot actually. But I always find other people’s problems more interesting than my own so am now answering questions from real moms and dads.

Dear Mothering Heights,

My son sat next to a kid on the bus who got a hundred dollar bill for his lost tooth. My son gets three dollars. How does one Tooth Fairy compete with another?

Cynthia
Laguna Beach

Dear Cynthia,

First of all, you need to get the name of the kid on the bus and get to know his family pronto. Families with generous tooth fairies might also be generous with the family sailboat, second home in Vail and full-time nanny who has extra time on her hands. Sooner than you can say Santa Claus, you could be enjoying a nice Thanksgiving jaunt to Mystique in the private plane of your new best friends.

As for the Tooth Fairy, it’s common fairy knowledge that when she gives large sums of money it means that the tooth is going to need a lot of dental work. I would just explain to your son that while a hundred dollars looks like a lot of money now, once the dental bills are paid, there will be nothing left. Those shots of Novocain and fillings can be quite pricey. (I always find the word ‘shot’ to be a powerful tool.)

Fortunately, my daughter’s best friend explained to her years ago that the Tooth Fairy gives one dollar for every age of the child. Our Tooth Fairy is often on special assignment, and not able to get to her pillow work accomplished right away. Hopefully, with the new Tooth Fairy Iphone the dental calendar and reimbursements will be timely.

Dear Mothering Heights,

I'm a mom over 40 and was wondering if it's still appropriate to wear a bikini with my kids to the beach or pool? I work out and am in reasonably good shape, but I don't want to look like a 'cougar' or dress inappropriately for my age.

Scared Cougar
Newport Beach

Dear Scared Cougar,

What a fabulous problem to have. Whenever I try on a bikini, my kids giggle and ask what am I doing. Since I’m no fashion expert, I contacted Noelle Schoop, my stylist friend, who recently told me that I had to stop dressing to please my kids.

Noelle said, “The term Cougar is usually used in a negative way, when I think it is actually a compliment.” As for the bathing suit, she broke it down in a way only a stylist could. “If it is a Brazilian bikini (you need "run way" wax to wear it), then it is not appropriate. A string bikini must look good in department store lights and not just from one angle that is impossible to hold for longer than two minutes. A mix-and-match two-piece from Target, Banana, Navy, Crew is most likely appropriate. These chains tend to cut to the mass market and an over 40 mom from Southern California that works out and in reasonably good shape should be able to pull this off without looking cheap or desperate.”

So I guess the answer is yes, Scared Cougar. Of course, we can no longer be friends because I couldn’t possibly stand next to you in my Land’s End Minimize Tummy-Waist Control-Lengthen-Legs bathing suit. You would be way too jealous.

Dear Mothering Heights,

Do you think moms lie about how much they do for their kids, just to look good to other moms?

Heidi
Newport Beach

Dear Heidi,

Absolutely, it’s an epidemic. Make a note to not invite them to your next birthday party. They will only say they are twenty-nine years old, wear a size 0 and run marathons for fun. Like Shakira says, ‘my hips don’t lie.’

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