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« Dark Chocolate take me away! | Main | Call of the WILD »
Saturday
Jan282012

Mini Van Madness!

The light turned yellow and I went for it. Cars were backed up and I ended up sticking out into the middle of the street when the light changed. I was trying to get to work on time (a rarity for me) and the excitement of having my boss not yell at me just got the best of me.

As I was blocking traffic the bright sun was blazing down on me like a spotlight on a crime scene. I got a work call to make me even more distracted and guilty when a bike went whizzing behind my sticking-out-mini-van. WHACK he hit the back of the car with his fist and yelled something at me as he flew off.

I'll call you right back I told my caller. I looked around as if I were a double agent in a spy movie and took off after the biker. He was fast and I was slowed by traffic lights but I kept my eyes on him like Jane Bond in a souped on minivan.

I was determined to teach the guy some manners and throw the book at him...The Hands are not for hitting book that is. I honked, rolled down my window and pulled up next to him. As he was yelling at me about how I put his life in danger by sticking out in the street I told him you don't use your hands on other people's property mister, if you have a problem use your words. Then the guy who was yelling at me because he thought I put his life in danger proceeded to dare me to hit him with my car. Now presumably this was a guy with a family at home and a decent job who took the whole leave your car at home and ride a bike to work thing very seriously...daring me to hit him with my 3000 pound car. 

With complete calm I laid out the consequences for his bad behavior. I am not going to hit you with my car but I am going to call the police on you! At which point he took off down the street. I lost him as the light turned red.

I turned up the road and continued on my way to work with the hope that I had freaked him out. Did he punch the back of my car because I was in a mini van and he figured that a crazy haired exhausted mother would be too caught up with listening to Elmo to do anything about his assault? Probably. Would he have done the same thing to me had I been in a low rider with big tattoos and a bobble head in the back window? I doubt it.

I had to stand up for myself and for moms in mini vans everywhere. Too often we are told that when we bought our mini vans we lost all sense of cool and any kind of edge that we had about ourselves. It's true that when I bought my mini van I surrendered to full mommyhood and vowed not to scream and give the finger to other drivers.

About a year ago I was waiting for a parking spot when the woman who was pulling out almost backed into me. I honked at her (a friendly toot not a lean on your horn angry rant) she proceeded to scream and curse at me. Holding back my desire to rip her head off I told my two kids who were wide eyed in their car seats that this was a classless woman and you don't ever yell at someone like that over a parking spot.  

The biker who took off down the street either forgot about our altercation or hid in the bushes for the rest of the day. We'll never know. While I will be more conscious about sticking out in the middle of the street I imagine the biker man will tell his friends that there was this cool edgy crazy haired mom in a mini van I whacked the back of her car and dude she actually came after me...

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Reader Comments (2)

Excellent! The only thing you did wrong was not actually hit him! Creep. Lots of self-righteous, perpetually-offended bike riders causing havoc on the roads of Seattle. If God didn't want us to use gas and mini-vans, he/she wouldn't have created them. I know, politically incorrect, just sayin'...
February 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBarbara
Funny column (as usual), but I'm not sure I'd recommend chasing anyone - even someone on a bicycle! However I hope he told the story in the same way you ended it.
February 16, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLoretta Weinberg

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