I need your questions for my next issue. Select POST A COMMENT below and write your question for Ask Mothering Heights. If your question is chosen for publication in my biweekly column published in The Laguna Beach Independent, you will recieve a signed copy of "The Mothering Heights Manual for Motherhood."

Dear Mothering Heights,

How do you "balance" house chores, kids upbringing and career all while staying sane?

Meenu Gupta
Freemont, CA

Dear Meenu,
I was just contemplating that question over a much-deserved glass of wine last Saturday night at California Pizza Kitchen. That is until my daughter knocked my Sauvignon Blanc all over a stranger’s Louis Vuitton purse. Talk about buzz-kill. Try giving all of your handy wipes to a woman cleaning out the inside of her brand new Damier Canvas bag. So much for my attempt to balance life, not cook dinner and treat myself to a night out with the family.

As the wine leapt into the air and back down again, I realized that balance is truly a scientific principle involving the pull of gravity and other fancy scientific concepts I am too dumb to grasp. I decided to consult my friend, Diana, who studies Mars at the Jet Propulsion Laboratories. “Balance in science means making the forces equal so that one force doesn’t overwhelm another. When things are not in balance, it means that one force is overwhelming the other and things are moving in the direction of that force.”

Maybe that’s why when the dishwasher breaks, the washing machine breaks too. Or when we get a sore throat, our little one catches a stomach virus. Diana said, “Balance in life means not allowing one force take over in a way you don’t like. You need to decide what is important rather than react to the forces and be pushed and pulled in different directions.”

Sounds like we need to manage the forces, so they don’t manage us. It makes me tired just thinking about it. My advice is to eat chocolate, read Twilight and lower your standards to dirty house, clean underwear. You won’t be balanced, but you just might stay sane.

Dear Mothering Heights,

Where is my toothbrush, and why did it take me two days to realize it was missing?

Jessica
Laguna Beach, CA

Dear Jessica,
Hopefully your toothbrush is with my watch, favorite earrings and Angel Tickets. Call me crazy, but I am convinced that there is a tiny fairy that lives in our house and takes my stuff. It’s either that or my husband trying to drive me into the loony bin. No need to worry, personal hygiene can be overrated. Just chew some gum until you have time to hit up Costco for the toothbrush multi-pack.

Dear Mothering Heights,
I just finished reading the entire Twilight series and am having serious fantasy shock going back to everyday, non-fictional life. Any hope for we modern, gothic romantics who adore the gorgeous-vampire types?

Team Edward Mom
Laguna Beach, CA

Dear Team Edward Mom,
Have no fear; you are not alone in your Twilight obsession. I was recently sharing my own obsession with a mom who is reading the series for the fourth time. When her husband complains, she says, “It makes me happy, so leave me alone.” Leave me alone and let me be with my Edward, please, I beg of you.

For those of you haven’t read the Twilight books by Stephanie Meyers, beware! These are not young adult books, but books for moms written by a mom. I wasn’t hooked until I read the third book, Eclipse, a romantic romp as the mortal girl and vampire boy become engaged to marry. Strange sounding, I know, but Mommy Stephanie made Edward, the vampire, practically perfect. No body hair, body odor or need to watch the Lakers. He has a chiseled bod, loads of cash and a nice mom. I don’t even think that matters much-what hooks us most is his complete devotion to his gal Bella. He spends his entire existence devoted to keeping her safe and happy. Sigh.

We need to ask ourselves though do we really want our man watching everything we do? Following us to the grocery store? To the bathroom when we discover yet another gray hair on our body? Not really. And then, singing us to sleep every night, cuddled up in his arms? Okay, maybe that wouldn’t be so bad, as long as we’re not having a hot flash.

There is definitely hope for us Edward romantics. My advice is to pull out the wedding video, open a nice bottle of dark red wine, and cuddle up with your hubby for a romantic evening. At one time, he was your Edward. Now, maybe he’s your Jacob. Slightly stinky, hairy, and easy to talk to about your day. Perhaps our survival through this Twilight spell requires changing teams: Team Jacob by day, Team Edward at night. Being a team player might be just what we need.

Dear Mothering Heights,

How do I get my husband to be ready on time for social events?

Angela

Laguna Beach

Dear Angela,

I feel your pain, sister! The more important the social event, the more my husband becomes a slow motion special effect in Steven Spielberg's latest movie.

I consulted my friend Frank, who is always timely, for some manly advice. "You have to remember that when you say to your husband, "Darling, in order to keep abreast of the competition at work, we have to be on time. Can you be ready by 7 p.m.?" all he hears is "Blah blah blah a breast blah blah blah." After pressing a bit further, Frank advised the following tactic. "In order to get your husband ready all you have to do is bend the space/time continuum and create a temporal shift into the near future. Need to be out the door at 6.30? Tell him the absolute latest you can leave is 5.30."

Now I have tried this tactic before and can verify that it works. There is a hitch though. Not good for the kids to see the invite that says 6 p.m. when I am saying 5 p.m. Either mommy can't tell time or she is lying, which is, obviously, not a good behavior to teach the kids.

Puzzled as to how to answer your question, I went straight to the root of the problem and asked my husband what would work for him. "I will get there on time, if you tell me that we can leave early." Departure bribery seems simple enough. We always stay until the end of every party, but that's probably because we arrive late.

If neither of these tactics works, I would suggest my trustworthy Plan B: separate cars. It's a reliable, albeit environmentally incorrect, way to arrive on time.

Dear Mothering Heights:

I know you have an addiction with chocolate! Help! Hershey's bought out my favorite chocolate place, Joseph Schmidt, and shut them down. I am not happy. What else do you like? I need some suggestions. I don't like the common stuff.

Melody Hodges

Plano, Texas

Dear Melody,

That darned Hershey's company! I'll never forget when they bought Godiva. Overnight the chocolate became waxy and less rich (Not that I can't still pound down a box!).

My favorite high-end chocolate is Teuscher Champagne Truffles. Put one in your mouth, and you can feel an entire New Year's Eve fireworks show take place. In Laguna Beach, we are lucky to have Diana Phillips Chocolates, which makes exotic flavors such as Rosemary Grapefruit Caramel, Lavender French Knot and my favorite, Sea Salt Caramel. One of my readers recently wrote to me about Debauve & Gallais, which I haven't had the chance to try.

As for daily chocolate, I have recently discovered Starbuck's Dark Chocolate Caramel Bar (not the truffles) and Seattle's Chocolate's Cappuccino Crunch. I have taken your question very seriously and will continue my search for the next best chocolate.

May 17, 2009

Ms. Fugate,

I read your response to the woman regarding her son's $1 from the tooth fairy. You first stated to get to know the wealthy family to take advantage of their wealth by becoming friends. What mixed message are you not only giving this woman, but to children, as well.

The woman asked how to compete with wealthy families. Your response was to use them for your advantage. Isn't there enough of this going on in this society?

Don't you think that the appropriate response is to tell your children that it is giving what counts and it is not "common knowledge that when the tooth fairy gives large # of money, it means the tooth is going to need a lot of work"????

It would be of great benefit to your readers to retract your statement regarding "get the name of the parent's of the wealthy kid" as to have them become your "new best friend." Maybe, this is the way you actually see your friends and that is sad.

Sally De Castro Laguna Beach Mother of 2 grown children

On May 17, 2009

Dear Sally,

Thank you for your email. The tone of Mothering Heights is meant to be a tongue and cheek, humorous look at motherhood. I am sorry if that was not conveyed in my writing. I will take a look at it for future columns.

Best regards, Christine

May 18, 2009

Dear Christine,

I loved your new question/ answer forum in the paper!

Diana Kersten

Dear Mothering Heights,

Do you think moms lie about how much they do for their kids, just to look good to other moms?

Heidi
Newport Beach

Dear Heidi,

Absolutely, it’s an epidemic. Make a note to not invite them to your next birthday party. They will only say they are twenty-nine years old, wear a size 0 and run marathons for fun. Like Shakira says, ‘my hips don’t lie.’

Dear Mothering Heights,

I'm a mom over 40 and was wondering if it's still appropriate to wear a bikini with my kids to the beach or pool? I work out and am in reasonably good shape, but I don't want to look like a 'cougar' or dress inappropriately for my age.

Scared Cougar
Newport Beach

Dear Scared Cougar,

What a fabulous problem to have. Whenever I try on a bikini, my kids giggle and ask what am I doing. Since I’m no fashion expert, I contacted Noelle Schoop, my stylist friend, who recently told me that I had to stop dressing to please my kids.

Noelle said, “The term Cougar is usually used in a negative way, when I think it is actually a compliment.” As for the bathing suit, she broke it down in a way only a stylist could. “If it is a Brazilian bikini (you need "run way" wax to wear it), then it is not appropriate. A string bikini must look good in department store lights and not just from one angle that is impossible to hold for longer than two minutes. A mix-and-match two-piece from Target, Banana, Navy, Crew is most likely appropriate. These chains tend to cut to the mass market and an over 40 mom from Southern California that works out and in reasonably good shape should be able to pull this off without looking cheap or desperate.”

So I guess the answer is yes, Scared Cougar. Of course, we can no longer be friends because I couldn’t possibly stand next to you in my Land’s End Minimize Tummy-Waist Control-Lengthen-Legs bathing suit. You would be way too jealous.

Dear Mothering Heights,

My son sat next to a kid on the bus who got a hundred dollar bill for his lost tooth. My son gets three dollars. How does one Tooth Fairy compete with another?

Cynthia
Laguna Beach

Dear Cynthia,

First of all, you need to get the name of the kid on the bus and get to know his family pronto. Families with generous tooth fairies might also be generous with the family sailboat, second home in Vail and full-time nanny who has extra time on her hands. Sooner than you can say Santa Claus, you could be enjoying a nice Thanksgiving jaunt to Mystique in the private plane of your new best friends.

As for the Tooth Fairy, it’s common fairy knowledge that when she gives large sums of money it means that the tooth is going to need a lot of dental work. I would just explain to your son that while a hundred dollars looks like a lot of money now, once the dental bills are paid, there will be nothing left. Those shots of Novocain and fillings can be quite pricey. (I always find the word ‘shot’ to be a powerful tool.)

Fortunately, my daughter’s best friend explained to her years ago that the Tooth Fairy gives one dollar for every age of the child. Our Tooth Fairy is often on special assignment, and not able to get to her pillow work accomplished right away. Hopefully, with the new Tooth Fairy Iphone the dental calendar and reimbursements will be timely.